As the Christmas break looms, you might already be feeling stressed: you have sooo much to do, but even more so how are you going to cope seeing your mother-in-law/aunt/father during this time? Last year you felt exhausted from the tension, but the good news is there are ways you can manage difficult personalities.
One of the most common refrains from clients around this time of year is how to manage difficult family members and relatives at big, festive get togethers. Sometimes they are relatives you don’t see very often (maybe for a reason!) but “tradition states” you see them on Christmas Day. It’s not always easy to get out of arrangements when multiple people are involved, so it can be about working within these limitations.
Things to remind yourself about those difficult family members:
Their behaviour, usually, is about them – not you
It can be good to remind yourself of this, while you are breathing deeply for what feels like the umpteenth time that day. You’ve always suspected Auntie Pat is a deeply unhappy person, so maybe her negative comments are more about her and how she is feeling, rather than personally directed at you.
Plan ahead
It’s all about the strategy – have you and your partner or someone else you trust planned how you will manage Great Uncle Joe’s infamous passive aggressive comments? (no less aggressive because they are indirect!). Can someone laugh it off, or change the topic quickly? Failing that, does he need to be taken aside and gently reminded today is not the day for his grievances from the past….
Try not to re-enact old roles
When you’re back in the family dynamic, it is hard not to succumb to those old patterns. If you find yourself back in an old role that you didn’t particularly enjoy the first time round or when you were younger, try to change the pattern. Families are notorious for scape-goating various family members, or labelling a family member according to a particular time or event in the past, and not really allowing them to forget it. Sometimes this feels hurtful and is hard to handle. Instead, think about how you would normally react; and honestly reflect on your own role in sustaining this tricky dynamic. Is there a different way you could react, that would suit you better, that is assertive without being aggressive?
Escape
If it is really getting too much, people are generally so otherwise occupied on Christmas Day and thereabouts, that it is relatively easy to mention a chore that needs to be done, or something that needs to be seen to – while you escape to your bedroom and take a breather. Lie down on the bed – put a favourite song on or do a quick meditation!
Down time
When the day is over (and you have congratulated yourself on managing the day, albeit with a few hiccups), take some time out. Try to resist the urge to pack in lots of events together, even if others are pressurising you to do so. Even better, outsource a picnic or similar, so that you can control your entry and exit, according to how your energy is during this time.
Merry Christmas!
